Sunday, April 17, 2011

I hate it when I can't control things.

***WOOAHH Long post***

Since my Opa died,
My Oma has been an emotional mess.
She cries everyday, about everything.
She has been suffering from the beginning stages of Dementia for a couple of years,
and it has become even worse after a Stroke she had last year.
For almost the whole first week after he died,
Oma kept forgetting where Opa was.
She would say, "So where is pop again?"
(pop is what his kids call him)
and then we'd have to remind her yet again,
she would go through the emotions all over again.
Since she is no longer able to care for herself completely,
after Opa died, we moved her back into my aunt MaryJane's house
(who by the way is one of he most incredible, selfless people I know.)
Oma hates that she can't take care of her self.
She cries everytime my aunt or someone else has to help her with something,
or when she is by herself and realizes my Opa isn't there anymore,
or even when you're talking to her and any subject about my Opa or her being by herself comes up.
On Thursday night,
my Aunt had to work and my cousin  
(who lives in the basement and is there for my Oma when my Aunt can't be),
and her husband were going to a concert.
They needed someone to just be there with Oma for a couple of hours,
and since Tyson is gone all day Monday-Thursday because of school and work,
I thought this was a good time to spend with Oma.
I decided while driving there that I was just going to sleep there so that I would be able to get more sleep since I worked the next morning.
That was a good experience,
but since then, I have been unable to get Oma off my mind.
It just breaks my heart that I can't do anything for her.
She is so lonely.
I hate when things are out of my control.
It's one of the biggest struggles I have in life.
I can't STAND it!
I think that is one reason I have experienced so much death in my life.
I think the Lord is trying to teach me to learn to just let go and deal with the things that I am unable to control. It's seriously SO hard for me. I cry about it all of the time.
Tyson and I took Oma to Dinner on Saturday night.
I called her around 1:30 to ask her if she wanted to go to dinner.
I told her we'd be there around 4:30.
When we got there my cousin told me that she has been ready since right after she got off the phone with me.
She was in a beautiful dress and my cousin painted her nails for her.
When we walked into her room, she was sitting in her chair asleep.
I just wanted to cry.
She was asleep, all by herself.
She's been with my Opa for over 60 years and now all of the sudden she is by herself.
We sat with her for a while and I put earrings in her ears.
When my Aunt got home, she did her hair and then we left.
We had the best conversation during dinner.
I learned so much about Omas life.
She told me about her and my Opa's first date,
how long they dated before they were married,
she told me how much Dark hair he used to have and how good looking he was.
She told me so much about her life.
It was so fun to hear.
Tyson and I also thought it was cool because there are things about my Oma and Opa's relationship that Tyson and I also have.
Like, My Oma and Opa met for the first time at a dance.
So did we :)
haha it's not a huge deal but I loved that.
To be honest,
I was kinda disappointed when dinner was over.
We took her back home and I just miss her.
I always want to call her. I think it's because I just want to make things better for her.
I just want her to be as content as she was when Opa was here,
but whenever you talk to her, you can hear the pain in her voice.
I love her and wish I could just make her happy again!

On another note,
I am infuriated with my work.
Some people are so unsympathetic it's disgusting.
You know, I really love what I do.
But when the people you work with make you feel so horrible everytime you're there...and even when you're NOT, there's a problem.
I've been having problems with them since I got pregnant.
You'd think that since it's the WOMENS CENTER, they'd understand a little more about morning sickness and pregnancy and stuff.  But they could care less. They have been SO difficult.
I have been dealing with them treating me like I'm terrible at my job and them acting like, when I would be puking the first few hours of work during my first and second trimester, I'm a wimp. But after being treated the way I've been treated since my Opa died, I'm no longer tolerating it.
I left work after receiving that call that my Opa only had hours to live, so that I could be there with him and my family when he died. The next night, I called and talked to the Charge nurse about Funeral leave.

She told me I could take two days off. I asked her what steps I needed to take to get it and she told me just to email ONE person, the Scheduling lady.
I took Wednesday off so I could edit the story my Opa had wanted me to edit for a while and to practice for the song we were singing during the funeral.
I was including the second day as the day I left work. The day he died. 
I didn't work again until Saturday, so I thought it would be okay to take wednesday day off.
Well, one thing that I completely SPACED checking, was my On Call shift.
My Opas viewing was Thursday night and his Funeral was Friday.
I was on call on Friday.
Friday morning, the charge nurse called me and asked if I would be able to pick up an extra shift that day (my on call shift wasn't until 3...but at this point I still didn't realize I was on call).  I told her I couldn't and I explained to her that my Opa's funeral was that day so I wouldn't be able to work at all that day.
She knew that.
at one o'clock,
right SMACK in the middle of the funeral, she calls me and leaves a message saying they need me for my on call shift.

I called back after hearing the message and explained to her YET AGAIN that I could not come in because I was currently at my Opa's funeral. She said "'ve had this whole week off."
I explained, again, that I took one full day off after he died and didn't think I worked again until Saturday.
I told her it was my fault for forgetting about my on call shift, I had just been really distracted and hadn't remembered to look.
I was a little annoyed after hanging up with her,
feeling like she was saying that I was lying about being at the funeral.
about an hour and a half later,
the "assistant supervisor" calls me.
I had talked to her wednesday afternoon, because I was cancelling a meeting I had with her telling her that I could not come in because my Grandpa had died.
She then said "I was under the impression that the funeral was Wednesday"
I never once told her that, I never once emphasized or tried to make her think that it was Wednesday.
I explained this to her and I told her that if this On call shift doesn't count as Funeral Leave, I can just take an Absence, because it was my fault for forgetting to check.
She tells me we'll talk about it when I get back and we get off the phone.
My dad was pretty angry at this point. He thought it was pretty ridiculous that my work was bugging me like this during a FUNERAL! He even wanted to talk to her when I was on the phone. Obviously I didn't let him, but I almost did!
Well, about an hour after that, when we were just getting home from the funeral,
my SUPERVISOR calls me. She tells me that she never even received an email about my funeral leave. I explained to her that the charge nurse I talked to on Tuesday told me just to email the scheduling lady and that was it. I was not even aware that I needed to email her. I then said "I think that there was a lot of miscommunication here" and she then says "No, there was NO communication" acting like I tried to do this was and like...go behind her back or something.
I was so angry after getting off the phone with her that I called HR and left a message. I then went to them on Monday and talked to them. I am still SOO upset about it.
Since then,
everytime I go to work someone either implys that I was trying to cheat the system,
or is mean. I was informed that the charge nurse pretty much made it aware to everyone on the day I was on call that she believed I was lying about the funeral leave. She talked about it with a lot of the staff and there was only ONE person there that was defending me.
I was at work yesterday.
There is another girl there that had a grandparent just die as well.
Do you KNOW how many times I've heard my co workers talking about how sad they are for her and how they feel so bad for her and all of this stuff?
No one ever even said anything to me.
No one even CARES. How is her grandparent more important than mine??
I have a meeting now with my boss on Wednesday because she is trying to say that she is counting my absence on the day of my Opa's funeral as a NO SHOW! I told the charge nurse that day TWICE before that shift started that I couldn't come in. That's not a no show. I'm am so angry with the way I've been treated about this whole thing. It infuriates me.
Tyson was out of town for work when my Opa died and guess what?
HIS work, let him come home early for the funeral and did not contact him ONCE until the funeral was over. not ONCE! THAT is how a company should treat their employee when a family member dies.
Sorry. I just needed to vent about that because my family is dealing with enough right now.
I don't need the bad management and gossiping, stupid, unsympathetic people that I work with giving me a hard time as well.
3 1/2 more weeks until I can start taking measures to go into labor :)
can't wait to meet my beautiful Kalista!
(even though my work will probably give me a hard time about maternity leave as well.)
OH did I mention, I've NEVER had a complaint from a patient? My patients at my job like me.
But since My co-workers don't,
I'm apparantly terrible at my job.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Reiner Demie

I haven't even started this post and I'm already crying.
Is it coincedence that everytime I'm about to have a baby, someone close to me passes away?

This time however,
has been a lot more peaceful and I know it was his time.
and I got to say goodbye.

My Opa was finally reunited with his parents and siblings yesterday as he passed on to the other side.
I can just see him running, jumping and moving like there is no tomorrow...because there's not for him.
His Spirit is finally free. He fought a good fight here on this earth and left an incredible legacy behind.

My Opa taught me so much and the relationship I've had with him was the closest of any of my grandpas.
He was the funniest man and would, withouth fail, would make me laugh whenever he was around.

a week ago Sunday,
he woke up in the morning unable to get out of bed.

After my Oma called the ambulance,
it all went downhill from there.
He'd had a stroke.

Nobody really thought of it as something very serious,
because only a month ago,
he had a stroke and was almost back to his normal self only a couple of days later.
Him and my Oma have been in the hospital, I swear, once a month for the past year and a half.

But that night,
Tyson and I went to visit him.
There was a bleed on his brain and they couldn't figure out where it was coming from.

Opa couldn't move his right side,
and you could only understand a little of what he was saying.
He was so tired.

After walking in to the room,
within the first 5 minutes,
I couldn't control myself and I started crying.
I knew that this was more serious than anything before.
my aunt and parents blamed it on the pregnancy  (of course),
but I knew that this was the end.
I could feel it.

two days later,
I went back to visit him and he was even worse.
he could still talk and remembered a couple of people that had been there earlier,
but was still extremely tired and was slowly declining.

When I was the only one in there,
I grabbed his hand and asked him if he was going to get better.
He shook his head and I said
"Opa, are you going to stay here until my baby is born?"
and he just shook his head yes again.
Then I said "Do you promise?"
This time he opened his eyes for the first time,
and said
" I can't promise that"

It was hard to hear,
but I already knew that was the answer.

After Tyson and I found out we were pregnant,
we decided on names pretty quickly.
The girl name was [obviously] Kalista,
but if we were going to have a boy.
We were going to name him Reiner after my Opa.

We would call him Rien for short.
We told my Opa that and was very excited.
he said in his thick dutch accent "oh, well then, this has to be a boy!"

That plan is still set.
If we have a boy,
we are naming him after my Opa.

One thing that was missing at my Wedding was my Oma and Opa.
They were able to come to my sister BreeAnn's,
but were too sick when mine came along.
My Oma was recovering from a stroke and was too weak to go out.
So I missed that opportunity.
But these pictures are so priceless.

My Oma and Opa have the sweetest relationship.
without fail, they would get into some kind of arguement everytime we were around...
but it was cute. I loved watching them argue because I knew how much they cared about each other.
They are so in love.
Their love story should be made into a movie.
They've been together since age 15.

This was taken the second to last time I saw my Opa when he was conscious.
My sister and I were there with my Aunt MaryJane.
My Oma got there shortly after.
Watching them together brought tears to my eyes.
They were eachothers world.

Opa always made me laugh.
yesterday was a very emotional day...
but also extremely spiritual.

His entire family,
everything that is here because of HIM was standing around him when he passed.
We watched him take his final breaths.
and although it was the most emotional thing to watch,
I felt so close to heaven.

I was there when My Opa's Spirit left his body.
I was there when he was freed from his broken body and reunited with his family.
I can't imagine how happy he must be right now.

But watching my Oma struggle to let him go,
was the hardest part of the whole thing.

My dad and my aunt were standing with her telling her that he was only still breathing because she wasn't letting him go. She was a mess. I just couldn't stand watching her go through this pain of losing her husband of almost 60 years.

my Oma leaned over into his ear and said through her tears,
"You can go if you need to. Just save me spot."

immediately after that his breathing became slower and slower.
and within 15 minutes,
he took his last breath.

It was hard for all of us and we all broke down after that,
but at the same time,
the Spirit that was in the room was incredible.
We were so happy for him and within a couple of hours,
we were all quiet and content with this.

I know Opa is in a better place.
This experience has been difficult,
but it was his time.
I've never felt so at peace with a death than I have with Opa's.

He lived a long, incredible life, leaving his legacy here strong.
I love you Opa.

I posted this on my other blog a couple years ago.
THIS was Opa's personality.
THIS was what made me laugh everytime I saw him.
I'm going to miss it so much

and this song has always made me cry,
but now it has a different meaning and couldn't fit better with the way I feel.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

April Fool!!

My familys favorite holiday is April Fools Day.
You might as well call my mom the Devil when it comes to April fools.

This year,
you could say that I am definitely her daughter.
I played my first joke on Tyson...and it went pretty well.
But not as far as I had hoped because I'm a pretty bad liar!

So as ya'll know,
we're trying to buy a house.

Because I'm moving to part time,
we'll still qualify, but we have to be more careful with the price.
Which is probably why we haven't had any luck yet.

Tyson is also SOOO cheap.
haha we've been going the last 6 months without a rent payment...
so he wants our payment to be really low...because we're not really used to one.
We've found a couple of houses that would work,
but we would definitely have to put some work into them and Tyson would prefer to not have to do so much.

yesterday I called him while we were both at work and I began my prank :)

I called and hung up three times so that he would think that I 'tried' to call him.
when he called me back,
I told him that our Realtor called me and said that she found a really cute HUD home that was a little over our price range and needed a little bit of fixing up but that it seemed perfect for us.

I told him that she said the bidding would end at noon and that she needed to know if we wanted to bid on it.

I then told him that I couldn't get ahold of him, so I just told her to do it..without seeing the house first!
He really handled it well over the phone.

You could tell he was SOO MAD, but he stayed calm.
He told me that he thinks that was a foolish thing to do and then kept making excuses to get off the phone when I would call him.

In the mean time,
I talked to our realtor and asked her to find a really cheap, really crappy, dumpy beat up house that was by my work that I could show him. She was totally down with helping with this and agreed to let me call her when I got off work so I could get the address when I was with him.

Tyson agreed to meet me at work when I got off so that we could go see it.
I called her when we were in the car and she did PERFECT.
She went on about how perfect she thought the house was for us and then told us the price that we made up...which was 45000 over our budget...and this was the first time he heard the price.

Here is the video of his reaction to the price...
(he didn't know I was recording, so you don't see much.)

Don't forget to scroll down to the bottom of this blog and click pause on the music player first!

After the video stopped,
he said he didn't know why I was laughing
(because I couldn't help myself!)

Then he said
"you better not be april foolsing me"

at this point,
we were already almost to the house,
so we decided to go look at "our house"

I asked him after he figured it out,
if he was mad.

he wasn't.
he said he was just super super relieved.
haha I love him.

I felt so guilty the whole time.
so I was so glad that he forgave me!
Good thing...cause this isn't the last time he's going to be April Fooled!